Emotions

Some years ago, I was going to do some artwork in an app on my ipad, using a photo of me holding Johnathan in my left arm and the top of his head and face was near me.  I was doing it in the apple store with someone showing me different uses of tools in the app.  I didn’t really get that far with it and quite frankly I haven’t thought of it for some time.

I guess when I think about it, the concept is really what you would consider to be the typical Madonna and baby pose.  It is one that is so natural for a mother to do!  If I was holding him in my arms while he was asleep, that was my instinctive way to hold him.  I would then be able to kiss the top of his head.  And when the baby is in your arms, THAT is what you look at.  Nothing is more important in that moment.

Today I was reminded of this in an unusual way.  I have a few colour by number apps on the ipad and one of the cross stitch ones had one of those pictures in it to do.  Instantly, the second I saw it, I was transported, first to the moment I did that, second to the photo that was taken of me and then thirdly, to my attempt to make it into artwork!  

The emotions that raced through me in a matter of seconds was unbelievable!  Nostalgia, gratefulness, happiness, uncertainty, and so many others I can’t even think of.  The indescribable ones are still coursing through my body.  How could I experience so much and so quickly and for it still to remain with me?  

Before I started my counselling, I wasn’t really aware of many of my thoughts.  In fact, most of them were subconscious.  Now I am starting to realise what they are and it has been truly enlightening to know what they are and how many unhelpful thinking patterns I have fallen into unknowingly.  

And today I wasn’t only confronted with my thoughts, and the memories that flooded my mind,  the emotions were just racing in my body.  What was amazing was that I was able to NAME some of them!

I must admit, I was helped by the Emotional wheel Johnathan brought home from his session with the nurse/counsellor he sees.  They are placed on a colour wheel and helped me name some of what I was feeling.  

You know what?  If I hadn’t started counselling or known about the emotion wheel, I wouldn’t have had such a notable experience.  So sometimes it’s right to start something you know is going to be difficult but you are ready to face.  You never know what life will open up to you, if you are willing to change something.